I don't half come out with some crap. 

Yes, I'm talking about me. Not the kids. Although they also speak crap most of the time. But that comes with being a child. 

What excuse do I have as a grown up. Omg I'm a grown up.

I don't even think I'm a grown up sometimes. And even when I think I must be, I don't agree with it. Far too much responsibility with that title. 

Anyway, about the crap. I actually heard myself talk the other day. And I was astounded by how much rubbish I utter, especially in a half ditched attempt to restore some grown up law and order in my world of under 10's mayhem. 

It goes something like this.... 

"Screech, waaaaaah, screeeeech, arghhhh, muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum, eeeeeeeeeeek, that's miiiiiiiiiiiiiine, grrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrr" and so on.... And me, ever the patient earth mother screams right back "for goodness sake, omg kids, what the hell is this, will you just shut up for one minute"...... 

They don't. 

"Right. That IS IT, if you do NOT shut up I am going to stop this car and leave you by the roadside and I will not let you back in the car, I will drive off"

Only I won't. I won't do any of those things.

For a couple of reasons. (1) it's illegal to leave your child randomly at the side of the road (2) it's just an attempt on my part to get them to shut up when saying shut up doesn't work. I don't mean it. We all know this. Which is why they carry on as they were, I go grey and develop laryngitis from all the screaming and instead start calculating how many years are left under they turn 18 and they magically stop being knobs and start being responsible teenagers having adult conversations, applying reason to their arguments and being all mature. (that IS what happens isn't it!!!) 

I could probably write a catalogue of empty threats. I told them I'll leave them in supermarket aisles by the fish counter because the eerie eyed fish scare them (doesn't work with any other aisle, especially the sweet aisle which they'd happily let me leave them on) 

I've told them I'll take them to the plug monsters factory for naughty children (the plug monster being the obvious choice of monster title for the slimey monster that lives down the plug hole and 'gets' children who won't get out of the bath when mummy tells them)

I've mentioned countless scary animals that will come out of bushes randomly if said child continues to refuse to walk down the pavement back home (bears; tons of those feckers where I live, foxes, the occasional wolf; I don't over use

this one and reserve for early evening threats and finally we've had the odd yeti) 

Now and again they listen up, albeit briefly, occasionally the odd full of crap threat has had an effect and they've pulled back on the squabbling or the tantruming, the animal nonsense works the best to be fair, but most of the time I think they've figured out that in 8 years and 4 years respectively that these 'threats' have been going- never once has a yeti appeared (the odd excessively hairy bloke but not officially a yeti), I've never left them and instead had major panic attacks if I've turned round and I can't see them and the plug monster has never been seen. (Altho I've found collecting my hair around the plug hole can have its evidential advantages) 

Alas, but still, I carry on. I carry on coming out with the rubbish I do when the arguing or resistance gets too much. I have nothing else in the parenting bag. In fact the parenting bag is now probably not even a bag, it's a purse. 

I should quite probably give it up and lose the nonsense.

It stresses us all out and it's never going to be carried out. But as every harassed parent knows, when your buttons are pressed, they're pressed. We don't always think before we speak, we auto react in the same shouty voices as the kids and pretty much go down to their level. That's not grown up is it. 

4 weeks later after reflection :

 Several instances of squabbling etchave occured. Mummy hasn't threatened to leave children in odd places. Nor has mummy said she will leave children at roadsides or supermarket aisles. 

However, mummy has found that the kids don't want ssssssssssssedric the one eyed evil snake who loves loud cross children to be let into the car ..... 

Ahhhhhh happy driving people.