Even I have to admit that before I actually had real kids my before kids parenting was bloody amazing. 

Before I had kids I can only begin to explain how lovely, Petunia, Arabella & Alfie were. 

I have to share it with you because you’ll be so jealous of my amazing parenting style you’ll be begging me to write a Before I Had Kids Guide To Parenting Manual. 

We can start at the beginning if you like. 

The birth was ok, I pushed, I had my brow mopped by my loyal, helpful, ever caring husband - bless him, he’s read every parenting book out there- we just want to get this so right. After all, we are raising the next generation, a future Einstein, Picasso, Leader, Business Guru.

Anyway, I digress. Baby was born, packaged up in pink and home I floated. 

Everything was set up and ready to go. Baby slept every night in the overpriced Moses basket, me and the husband slept and when baby woke in the night, baby always woke the once, we’d take it in turns to feed and be back in our slumber 30 mins after waking.

The cleaning was done before 10am every morning, baby fed, morning coffee with friends, down for naps, lunch with mummy friends then tea on the stove ready for a lovely evening meal while baby coos in the bouncer - a glass of wine at 7pm when baby was down and bed at 10am. 

Gerald never asked what I’d done that day because he just knew I’d been desperately rushed off my feet. 

When school happened, the kids were up and dressed and eating breakfast at the table at 7am, they did a little reading and off we skipped to school, laughing en route and practising our times tables, obviously the children needed a light snack of avocado or suchlike after school, then it was homework, spellings and reading before a healthy tea and a little bit of educational tv before bathtime. 

Bedtime consisted of a story, before they lay down, I pulled up their covers, kissed the little darlings on the forehead and wished them pleasant dreams. I’d turn off the lamp and tiptoe out of their beautifully decorated rooms and smile to myself.. ‘oh look at the little cherubs Gerald, asleep as always before I even get to the door’. 

............. Then I had kids........

......WTF.......

Well where do I start, the before kids parent definitely never had to karate chop the buggers across the middle to get them in the pushchair and/or car seat.. 

the before kids parent never bribed the shitters with sweets and chocolate just to be bloody quiet while she spoke on the phone for 10 seconds .. 

In fact the ‘before kids’ parent never called her kids shits but the ‘after actual kids’ parent has forgot what their actual names are. Mainly because shits suits them better most of the time and because her mind has all but dissolved with the mass of things she has to remember ... things like ‘where the hell did I leave child 2, holy crap have I missed golden assembly, is it one of their birthdays?, have we even done the spellings of the week, is this child ever going to learn anything from his police games on the iPad?’

‘After kids’ parent hasn’t got a clue what time her kids should be in bed because they all go whenever she remembers the time and if they want a story, well there’s a pile of books thrown on the floor at the side of the bed that have been there about 2 months, they can pick one of those up if they can unstick the pages and use their imagination on the pages that are ripped. 

‘After kids’ parent hasn’t slept in 10 years and hasn’t brushed her hair in about the same length of time. 

She’s not even sure who the feck Gerald is, because the bloke that spermed the kids turned out to be a tosser who didn’t seem to comprehend that kids actually need bathing and feeding, never saw the middle of the night the 37 million times that she did and she’s doing it all alone. Happily but with significant nutcase tendencies- hey, we can’t all be normal ...

‘After kids’ parent doesn’t see the world for coffee because getting out of the house is a challenge on a par with survival with Bear Grylls - so she grabs a quick Nescafé and gets on Facebook to communicate with the world while bugger number 3 trashes the house that hasn’t seen a duster in months, but luckily baby wipes have multiple uses. 

‘After kids’ parent has a major panic attack if she’s ran out of fish fingers, she owns one of those cookbooks for kids, where all meals are turned into happy faces, or hedgehogs but it’s never been used- who the feck has time for that. 

So there we have it... ‘before kids’ parent and ‘After kids’ parent... they don’t recognise each other. They actually think the other one is a dick.. 

You will still see ‘before kids’ parent, those are the ones that tut in queues as yours bound around, the ones that hate anyone with kids sat anywhere near them on public transport, the ones who look at you with disdain when you ram a sausage roll into child’s mouth as it sits in the pushchair and said child starts spitting pieces out because it’s apparently hilarious. 

‘After kids’ parent also exists, you’ll spot her straight away... 

minimal make up, ragged hair, lipstick smeared up to her cheeks because of the earlier pushchair tantrum, she’ll look knackered, like she hasn’t slept in years, because she hasn’t, and she will probably be swigging from a bottle of vodka at 11am because coffee is no longer strong enough to keep her sane.!